I really enjoy riding my bike to work, even though I’m riding in on a crappy little Schwinn which was probably manufactured in China. I think it’s funny when other bikers pass me, look at me on my bike and shake their head, speeding on down the road on their custom frames. Hey man, it’s not my fault your bike doesn’t have streamers like mine. Get over it.
Category: thoughts
Ranking our Presidents
Today during a meeting I chose to shirk my responsibilities and honor President’s Day by making a list while no one was looking. Here it is. Recognize that you are getting the end results, and are spared the agonizing back and forth that took up an entire 20 minutes. You’re welcome.
1) Most impressive facial hair. (Van Buren – google it)
2) Most likely to successfully ride a wild bear for longer than 8 seconds. (T. Roosevelt – i think he actually did)
3) Most Presidentiest. (G.W. Bush, also shortest sentences)
4) Quickest to gray hair. (Washington, also gray teeth)
5) Ladies favorite. *eyebrow raise, wink* (JFK – would be Franklin otherwise)
6) Most eloquent use of hand gestures. (F.Roosevelt, dude was all hands)
7) Best at filling out a suit. (Taft)(in pounds per inch)
8) Most likely to secretly be a Sith Lord. Right I know, those were just “films.” (Nixon)
9) If electric guitars were available throughout our nation’s history, which President would most be able to melt faces with some sweet licks. (Coolidge, pretty much because of the name, and the fact that he went by Silent Cal – “Baby… my axe does the talking, k?”)
10) Most (un)resembling their party mascot. (Regan – actually i reversed this one because of the irony of an elephant never forgetting)
Hair-loss
I had my recurring dream last night where Chewbacca is my roommate in college, and is always giving me b.s. excuses on why he can’t unclog the hair from the shower drain. I don’t even get what you are saying half the time, bro.
The Age of Consumerism
Yesterday I saw a review on Yelp complaining about the food at Denny’s.
Complaining, about the food, at Denny’s.
The food…at Denny’s.
Denny’s, people.
Denny’s.
What a time to be alive.
Yesterday I whipped out my smartphone, used an app to locate and reserve a nearby car2go rental car and got walking directions to it. As I approached the electric car I held up an NFC card to unlock it through the windshield and without a key. I got in and drove away while speaking out loud a text message to be sent via my smartphone to someone telling them I was going to be late, based off of the traffic indicators on the in-dash lcd screen in the car showing heavy traffic ahead. A voice came through the speakers, informing me that I would need to recharge the car within the next 20 miles. I pulled into a charging station and hooked up the car, paying with another NFC card, which sent a receipt to me via email. While it was recharging I wandered over to Taco Bell. It wasn’t until then, when I was holding a taco shell made from Doritos in my hand, that I thought to myself “the future is now.”
I was an impressionable child.
I remember the time I thought the Ronald McDonald statue sitting on the bench was like Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz, and could move again if someone applied special sauce to his joints. I don’t envy the employees who discovered my attempt to free him.
A culture of efficiency.
People often cite the speed and efficiency with which Native Americans of the Plains would move entire tribes from camp to camp, but I think it’s important that we don’t overlook the transportation efficiency demonstrated time and time again by Circus Clown-Americans.
Mwa-ah-ah.
So tired. I had my recurring nightmare last night where I’m trying to file my taxes and The Count from Sesame Street is my accountant.
Que pasa?
Sometimes I think it would be cool if everyone wore sombreros. Then I realize how awkward it would be peeing in the men’s room while your sombrero is touching another dude’s sombrero.
Like… other documents.
I kind of hope one day in the future that all of our documented history gets corrupted or distorted to the point that the events in the lord of the rings are somehow misinterpreted to have actually happened long ago.
natch 