Yesterday I saw a review on Yelp complaining about the food at Denny’s.
Complaining, about the food, at Denny’s.
The food…at Denny’s.
Denny’s, people.
Denny’s.
Author: Nicholai
I am a lowly public servant who enjoys writing mostly true accounts of the magical mundane world.
What a time to be alive.
Yesterday I whipped out my smartphone, used an app to locate and reserve a nearby car2go rental car and got walking directions to it. As I approached the electric car I held up an NFC card to unlock it through the windshield and without a key. I got in and drove away while speaking out loud a text message to be sent via my smartphone to someone telling them I was going to be late, based off of the traffic indicators on the in-dash lcd screen in the car showing heavy traffic ahead. A voice came through the speakers, informing me that I would need to recharge the car within the next 20 miles. I pulled into a charging station and hooked up the car, paying with another NFC card, which sent a receipt to me via email. While it was recharging I wandered over to Taco Bell. It wasn’t until then, when I was holding a taco shell made from Doritos in my hand, that I thought to myself “the future is now.”
I was an impressionable child.
I remember the time I thought the Ronald McDonald statue sitting on the bench was like Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz, and could move again if someone applied special sauce to his joints. I don’t envy the employees who discovered my attempt to free him.
A poor college student works at a hotel.
I remember fondly working in a hotel for a time. I used to play this game where if a guest was being truly beastly to us (i’m talking Skeletor evil here), I would ask them if they needed any help carrying their bag. If they said yes (the most foul people always did), I would come out from behind the desk hobbling on a cane that was left by a guest years ago and pick up their suitcase.
When they would begin to protest I would just say “Sir, this is my job, ok? This is all I have.” Then I’d really put on a show struggling with the luggage, occasionally letting the particularly fragile-looking things get dropped.
Reach the person’s room completely sweaty and out of breath.
“WHY YES I ACCEPT TIPS, THANK YOU SIR.”
A culture of efficiency.
People often cite the speed and efficiency with which Native Americans of the Plains would move entire tribes from camp to camp, but I think it’s important that we don’t overlook the transportation efficiency demonstrated time and time again by Circus Clown-Americans.
Mwa-ah-ah.
So tired. I had my recurring nightmare last night where I’m trying to file my taxes and The Count from Sesame Street is my accountant.
Que pasa?
Sometimes I think it would be cool if everyone wore sombreros. Then I realize how awkward it would be peeing in the men’s room while your sombrero is touching another dude’s sombrero.
I CAN SEE THRU TIME
CURRENTLY RIDING THE EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER CREATED BY DOWNING A HALF-DOZEN PEPSI MAX AND CHASING IT WITH A FEEDBAG-SIZED SACK OF SWEET TARTS IN THE COURSE OF AN HOUR. EVERYTHING IS SLOWING DOWN. I THINK I MIGHT BE IN THE MATRIX.
Like… other documents.
I kind of hope one day in the future that all of our documented history gets corrupted or distorted to the point that the events in the lord of the rings are somehow misinterpreted to have actually happened long ago.
Reasons I’m never promoted.
Sometimes when I’m in a serious business meeting and people are debating the pros and cons of an important new policy or procedure, I push my chair back, take a deep breath and then look around the room and consider what each person at the table would look like in muppet form.
natch 