Sometime in the near future I will be going to get pre-screened by Homeland Security in order to participate in the Pre-Check program. My brother Alec has done it too and offered some helpful tips. Then we started texting things to tell the officials to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt our allegiance to this great country:
Alec: Wear pants. They like that.
Nick: Check.
Alec: Also, tell them that while your first name is Nicholai, all your friends call you Lincoln.
Nick: “My name is Lincoln Washington Roosevelt. I was born in the Blue Mountains and raised bald eagles until the age of 9, when I began working in a steel mill before eventually representing our nation in the decathlon. I melted down my gold medal to make golden bullets which I used to kill Bin Laden. I also rebuild motorcycles for orphans.”
Alec: “The Native Americans that took me in as one of their own christened me ‘Soars with Screaming Bald War Eagles.'”
Nick: “I was the person who successfully convinced Ted Turner to stop colorizing old movies. I also brokered Ross-Rachel negotiations on Friends.”
Alec: “I also led the Navy Seal team that successfully extracted Colin Farrell from future leading man roles.”
Nick: “I fashioned Clint Eastwood from an old hickory tree and animated his body by reading the Declaration of Independence aloud 1,776 times.”
Alec: You win.
natch 